Why Toddlers Struggle to Play & Share

Are you dealing with the ‘terrible twos’? We spoke to Laura ‘Nanny’ Amies, who shares her advice on helping toddlers play and share naturally.

Expecting a toddler to share their toys is like expecting the ironing pile to magically iron itself – in either case, you’re bound to be sorely disappointed.

Due to their stage of brain development (and limited life experience), toddlers are naturally egocentric and lack impulse control. This combination creates behaviour that’s the opposite of sharing.  

That said, sharing is held in high regard, especially when easing sibling dynamics or making playdates more harmonious. So what’s the answer?

Understanding why toddlers struggle to share provides us with the insight needed to develop the patience to help them. For example, with emerging language skills, a growing sense of self, and the developmental recipe mentioned earlier, it’s perfectly normal for a toddler to shout “Mine!” while clutching a toy that another child is eyeing. Recognising and accepting this behaviour as developmentally typical allows us to turn these moments into teachable opportunities.

While I could outline a specific example of how I do this, within the limited space I have here, it’s perhaps more valuable to highlight a critical principle: whichever behaviour receives the most attention from a toddler will likely be repeated.

With all of this in mind, the next time your determined toddler clings to a toy, shouting “Mine!”, stay calm. Keep your response short and sweet, using language to process the situation. For example, “You like the car, so does Henry. When you are finished, he’d like a turn.”

Finally, it’s worth asking yourself whether they need to share. Cooperative play typically doesn’t develop until around four years and upwards, not because toddlers are mean or selfish, but because they aren’t developmentally ready. It can be more effective to redirect the other toddler’s attention to a different toy instead of expecting your toddler to relinquish their prized possession. (Certain situations – like monopolising the park swing – will require gentle boundaries and logical intervention.)

Ultimately, toddlers learn how to navigate the world by observing those around them. Therefore, consider your own behaviour and reactions as a kind of road map. Which direction will you lead them in?

Laura ‘Nanny’ Amies has worked with hundreds of children both in nurseries and as a private nanny. She was the expert toddler tamer for the TV show Toddlers Behaving (Very) Badly. Her book, ‘The Toddler Survival Guide’ Child Behaviour Secrets from a Professional Nanny, is published and available to buy at all good bookstores.